I bought a new torture device. Okay, okay. It's a bra. Actually, it is a strapless convertible bra attached to a bodysuit. In any case, the thought behind the garmet is a good idea. Not so hot was the execution of the idea.
Let's start with the obvious: if you're going to make a bra/underwear thing like this you have to make it so that the woman can fasten the damned thing herself. I opened the package and looked at it. It's sleek black, glistening fabric. It is very pretty.
I slipped the thing up over my hips and up to my boobs, and then I tried to attach the clips in back, because, unlike a normal bra, you can't fasten it in the front and then pull it around. It simply don't work that way.
You'd have to be a damned contortionist to get this thing hooked up by yourself. After several fruitless minutes of trying, I finally unsnapped the crotch (yes it has a snap-closed crotch), hoisted it up, and tried again from a different angle. No luck getting the hooks fastened in back, again.
So, I tried to re-snap the crotch. After fiddling around with it for probably 5 minutes, I got down on the floor and tried. Nope. Not gonna work. So, I bent WAAAAAY over to have a look down below. And damn it all if they weren't BLACK snaps on the damned thing, so you can't even SEE them to get them re-snapped.
So, fine. I take the whole thing off and examine the snaps. They're not even real snaps. They're more like little plastic blobs with corresponsing little plastic holes surrounded by fabric. They are not even close to being a design with which a woman could feasibly fasten herself while wearing it... which brings up the question: what if you did - miraculously and theoretically - manage to get the thing fastened in the back by yourself and then you went out somewhere in it... what if you had to pee???? You'd NEVER get that thing snapped back up without an assistant, which, now that I think about it, opens up a new job title in the personal assistant marketplace: Bodysuit Crotch Snap Fastener Assistant. Probably pays AT LEAST $10 an hour.
But I digress. Even when you're not wearing the thing, getting the snaps hooked back up is no small feat. it requires the use of a vise, pliers, both hands, and the gravitational pull of Jupiter to snap back together.
After a few minutes of dinking with it, I finally have the crotch re-assembled, and go in for another attempt at fastening the back. After tilting this way and that and bending my arms in ways they were never intended to bend, I finally got it put together... kind of. I got the bottom one hooked up just fine, but then I got the top one hooked onto the second rung, leaving the second hook without a place to go and strange bulge in the hook and eye system in the back. Bollocks.
But I left it for a while, because it was on, and I did look CUTE in it. After about 10 minutes in it, the back started irritating me, though, so I undid the hooks and gave it another go.
Again, you have to be a contortionist to get this damned thing hooked up! My shoulders popped, my elbows creaked, and I bent myself almost completely backward trying to fasten the hooks and eyes in the back. I only managed to hook the top hook into the bottom eye, which was even worse than missing the second one altogether previously, so I tried again.
After about 10 more minutes of fiddling with it, I gave up and decided that I would need help is I was ever to wear the thing properly. Then again, if I ever decide to wear it anywhere, I will need a peeing buddy.
Perhaps, though, there is a method by which one could hook everything up BEFORE putting it on? I doubt it.
