10. First, convince yourself that you are the awesomest thing to ever grace the planet Earth. You know everything. You can do anything. You are THE expert of ALL experts. Anyone who disagrees with you can kiss off. YOU ARE AWESOME. Repeat this saying whenever necessary. One day, you'll wake up, and you'll just believe it. You are Awesome Incarnate.
9. Kiss ass. A lot. Don't worry: you'll get used to the taste of it after a while. This goes hand in hand with Tip #7: no one really wants to hear the truth that their ideas suck, so, don't tell them! Then, take it one step further and tell the people who've paid you that their ideas are awesome. Tell them that THEY are awesome. Tell them how impressed you are by them and what they can do. Once you got them where you want them, move in for the kill (see Tip #2). Make everyone around you believe that you, Mister Awesome, are, in fact, so awesome that your opinion and approval means more than that of their family, friends, and professionals. Make lots of promises about how their incredible talent and smarts will take them everywhere they've ever wanted to go... so long as they follow your advice.
8. Assume that everyone around you is a complete, grade A, certified idiot. They probably are, anyway, and assuming that every single person around you is a bonafide airhead helps you when you use the next tip.
7. Lie. Lie about everything. No one really wants to hear the truth. In fact, you're probably doing a lot of it already without even knowing it. Every day people ask, "How are you doing?" And we all reply, "Fine, thanks," even when things are NOT fine. Starting to lie about bigger things will come easier when you truly believe that everyone you speak to is your intellectual inferior. Assuming people are imbeciles helps you lie because lying itself assumes that person being lied to is an idiot. When someone asks why your promises aren't showing up yet, just lie about the delay. You can't have them knowing that you aren't doing anything.
6. Combine Tip #7 with some good, old-fashioned gossip and opinions. If there's something you want but whoever's responsible for giving it to you is having doubts about your qualifications, tell that person that you did something similar in the past, even if you didn't. (This goes with Tips #7 & #8.) Tell the people you're dealing with that everyone else in the field doesn't know what they're doing or that these other people in the field (even if they are experts with WAY more experience than you) are just being negative and want this person to fail. If that doesn't work, tell the person questioning you that you have had dealings with the experts in question and that those people are complete losers who don't have a clue what they're doing and that they steal or do jobs half-assed (basically, assume that the experts in question have read this article and put it into practice). You really have to believe it. Be convincing! You don't want these questions coming up again!
5. When your promises never come through, just make more promises. Eventually, you will have to produce something, but it doesn't have to take up a lot of your time or energy. Making more promises will buy you enough time to slap something together to mollify the more persistent people you have to deal with to make it to the top.
4. If you are in a position of power, and someone appears to be smarter than you, tell them that they are ignorant, stupid, uninformed, and, if needs be, not qualified for your attention. Eventually, you'll break that person's spirit, and he or she will quit in frustration.
3. Adopt the mantra of "never enough." In ancient Greek philosophy, they called this pleanexia (play-AH-NEXEE-uh). You can never have too much power, too much money, or be too big of an asshole. You CAN make people respect you. But you have to keep these kinds of people under your control, believing everything you tell them, and under the assumption that you are going to help them, when you really aren't going to do anything. When questioned about anything you have said or done, use Tip #7 LIBERALLY. Tell the person that they heard you wrong, misunderstood you, or go all out and tell them that they don't know anything about the topic or what they are talking about. If confronted with facts from experts or written proof of what you said, deny it anyway. Most people give up. If confronted with more facts, figures, expert opinions, or pictures, simply ignore the proof and the people who confronted you with it. They'll go away eventually, and you can continue on with Tip #2:
2. Use people for all they're worth and then throw them away. Once someone has worn out their usefulness welcome, make sure they don't want to be anywhere around you or just stop taking their calls. After you got what you wanted from them, make them feel like crap whenever you can. Even if that person has paid you to do something, pretend they didn't. Pretend that you are doing that person a favor by working with them, long after you've cashed the check and spent the money.
1. Never, ever admit to anyone that you were only using someone. Never own up to your lies, overstatements, hyperbole, cheating, or stealing. Never admit that you never actually did a single thing (especially if you were paid for it). Lie for all you're worth if confronted. And if it ever goes to court, you better hope that they really were as stupid as you assumed they were.
